Good Morning, Lethargy

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?

my mom asked me that alot when I was young.

I guess you could say that I started a blog "because everyone else was doing it". Or you could say that I got tired of livejournal- that I needed a change of scenery for my ramblings.

You can choose the reason you like best.

There is a lyric in a Days Away song that goes, "as far as I can see, the whole world is sleeping. but not me. I am lying here in a million pieces." That's how I feel lately. Like I am broken in different pieces that all want different things. I feel like every piece resides in a different part of the world. Cleveland, California, Pittsburgh, Virginia, Paris. All the places where there are people I care about. People I want to see more. People I should talk to on a daily basis, but I don't.


--I should take a second to point something out, seeing as how this is my first blog. At no point will this blog be gramatically correct. There will be errors. There will be misspelling. There will be run ons and fragments. There will be times where my vocabulary isn't extensive enough to describe exactly what I'm trying to get across, but this isn't a term paper. This isn't for a grade. These are my thoughts, and I try as much as I can to let them just flow from my head to the keyboard without stopping to think, because I tend to write better that way. That being said, I will continue.

I think about people all the time. Everything reminds me of someone. Songs, Lyrics, Melodies, Smells, Food, Drink, Words. It all takes me back to a different place, with different people. It's bittersweet, having such happy memories, but having to miss people so much. One of my friends said that his whole life is goodbyes. That is how I feel. People coming and going, in and out of my life. Always a new goodbye. Even at work... a tour comes through, and you make a friend for a day, and then at the end of the night, you say goodbye to these people. You genuinely care about them. You (most of the time) really DO want them to have a safe tour. You say "see ya next time", because you hope there will be a next time. That doesn't even begin to describe what it's like to have real friends (or boyfriends) touring all the time. You see them when you can. You take days off work, you drive 3, 4, 10 hours. All so you can have a few hours with people you love. I realized the other night as I left from a day filled with laughs, inside jokes, drinks, and intense games of bowling, how honestly terrible it is to leave behind people you care about.... and this happens for me usually once a month or so.

I guess I could blame myself for making friends with people who are constantly on the go, but I won't go there. I just feel like the world is flying by all around me, while I sit in my little midwest house. Like a scene from a movie where I am in real time and everything around me is sped up. I am in constant fear that I'm missing out on something. I don't remember dates. I have no concept of time. I'm hoping to keep up on this "blog" if for no other reason than just to keep a log of the things I do and the people I see.

I can't say it will be coherent. One thought might lead to another and my original story might get lost along the way. I think more than anything, I just need this for myself. So that at the end of the night I can get everything off my chest without making one of my friends sit and listen to my nonsensical babbling for an hour. I probably won't write everyday. I'll just write when I have something to say.

So this is it. This is my beginning. I don't care who reads this. I don't care if no one reads this. But it's here.

here it is.

right here.


Lately I've been trying to experience some new music. I get bored with the same old, same old. Of course, I have my favorites that I could never get tired of, but sometimes I just need a change. It's not just music, though. I want to watch new movies. I want to read new books. Sometimes I just feel so sheltered. I'm not well read. Of course I've read "trainspotting" and "geek love" and "fear and loathing in las vegas" and "naked lunch" and every other book that every other hipster kid swears by. I read them because someone told me to. Some of them were great, and some of them were a waste of time and brain power. I need a book to excite me. I need movies and music to excite me. The things people recommend are always things I've already read or heard or seen. I need something NEW. Something to keep me excited, because when I'm excited is when I'm at my best. My brain fuctions the way it should, and I can shake the lethargy.

The approach of warm weather of course helps with all that too. The residents of Ohio are all in the same boat... S.S. Cabin Fever. People out on motorcycles when it's 45 degrees, just celebrating that for the first time in months, there's no snow on the ground. Yesterday it was 48 degrees, and my friends and I braved the cold and had a barbeque. It was a success, until it started raining, but everyone enjoyed the grilling and the side dishes all the same. (I brought pasta salad) I suppose the plethora of beer in the fridge didn't hurt either.

Today Nichole and I drove around Lakewood and looked for apartments. We found 26. TWENTY SIX houses to call on. And I called on 20 of them. It didn't go as well as I had planned, but it could have been worse. As I went down the list of phone numbers under their corresponding addresses, there was a pattern in my scribbled notes. "left a message", "left a message", "no pets allowed", "left a message"... along with the occasional "will meet on wednesday". So wednesday we're going to look at a few that we narrowed down that fit our search criteria. 2 bedrooms, pets - ok, within our price range, preferably downstairs. I hope wednesday goes well, because I loathe apartment shopping. Not all of apartment shopping, just the part where I get discouraged if I don't find a place right away. I told myself I would stay positive.... I'll at least try.


I've been wanting to watch Into The Wild for some time now, and it's finally available on my "on demand". If i don't write again for a while it's because I've packed a bag, sold my belongings and hitchhiked to Alaska.


...or perhaps somewhere a little warmer.


and with a beach.





I'm adding this on as a "post script", because it's late, my mind is wandering, and no one is online.

I feel uneducated. Not in terms of my level of education, but in terms of my knowledge of current events. I stopped paying attention to the news a long time ago because it was depressing. I stopped paying attention to politics because they were "corrupt", and now I realize that I'm just being ignorant by trying to avoid these topics. So now, armed with my new willingness to learn more about the world around me and to open my eyes, I am presented with a new challenge. Where do I start?

I feel overwhelmed.



xo