If ever you're stressed out, put on "Dry the Rain", by the Beta Band.
Just now, as I was about to pull out my hair, I put this song on. (anyone who's ever seen High Fidelity, you might remember when John Cusack puts this song on, the effect it has on the patrons of the record store)
Anyhow, for this 6 minutes and 5 seconds, I will take a deep breath, relax, and write about what I wanted to write about instead of venting about nonsensical bullshit that has no relevance to you, or me, or even life in general. I need to relax. I need this to be my mantra for the summer. I don't want to end up like my mom, stressed out all the time. I want to be calm, happy, and worry-free.
*deep breath*
I am moving into my new apartment on wednesday. I've had a lot of offers for help, which is awesome. I am only one small person, and I can only carry so much. Plus I don't think my bed will fit in my little 4 door Saturn. I'm moving in with Nichole, and I think it will go well. I have had a problem with my past few roomates, and I can't help but start to think maybe the problem is me. Maybe I'm too picky, but I don't know, so I won't dwell on it.
I got a new job at this bar/restaurant in Tremont, called Southside. I got the job last night. I start today. Wish me luck.
"If there's something inside that you want to say, say it out loud, it will be ok..."
man, this song is good. And it's also over.
it's funny, when I write I can only listen to certain music. It has to be music that my brain processes and likes, but doesn't focus on. Otherwise I lose my train of thought. I'm not very good at multitasking.
There are other things I want to write about, but I think if i write about it too soon, I'll jinx myself, so I'll save it for another day. Besides, I have a dog that needs to go for a walk, laundry that needs done, a bank that needs visited, dog food that needs to be purchased, packing, and then work.
xo
Jess
Monday, April 21, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Instead of accidents, you'll never know.
Last night I was driving home, and a giant raccoon ran out in front of my car. It was dark, and it came out of nowhere and I didn't have time to stop, and I hit it. It was the grossest noise ever, and as soon as it happened I just stopped. I wanted to go back but I knew not to. There was nothing I could do and I knew it wouldn't be anything I'd want to see anyhow, so I just stopped. And I broke down. I've never killed anything before. I think maybe I've caught some fish when I was little, but this was different. This was me directly responsible for the death of an animal that would have otherwise just ran over to the other side of the road. I haven't cried that hard for that long about anything in a really long time- Not since I found out my friend had cancer. So I called Nichole, because I knew she'd be awake, and I cried and cried. And she told me it was ok. And she told me maybe the raccoon was TRYING to get run over. I tried to laugh. And she told me it was ok, but it was not ok yet. I drove the rest of the way home in a daze. I am still upset. I thought,
Jess. It's just a raccoon
but it's not JUST a raccoon. It doesn't matter whether it was a raccoon, or a cat, or a chipmunk.
I killed it. Me and my car.
Stupid cars.
Stupid work.
If I wouldn't have been so selfish and stopped for a beer after work, things would have been different.
I would have been driving home 30 minutes earlier. That raccoon would have had a chance. All these things run through my head. I feel guilty.
I am guilty
Jess, it's JUST a raccoon.
I know it was just an accident. I'll just tell myself that until I believe it.
I know I might be overreacting, and I know this might sound silly, but this is something I'm genuinely upset about, and I felt the need to address it.
Jess. It's just a raccoon
but it's not JUST a raccoon. It doesn't matter whether it was a raccoon, or a cat, or a chipmunk.
I killed it. Me and my car.
Stupid cars.
Stupid work.
If I wouldn't have been so selfish and stopped for a beer after work, things would have been different.
I would have been driving home 30 minutes earlier. That raccoon would have had a chance. All these things run through my head. I feel guilty.
I am guilty
Jess, it's JUST a raccoon.
I know it was just an accident. I'll just tell myself that until I believe it.
I know I might be overreacting, and I know this might sound silly, but this is something I'm genuinely upset about, and I felt the need to address it.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Love is all you need
Lately I've been feeling a little "down in the dumps" if you will. I'm not trying to throw a pity party for myself, I've just felt a little unwanted.
Let me tell you, that my new dog is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Her name is Lucy and she is incredible. I have someone who needs me, and depends on me. She likes when I'm around. It gives me something to love and focus my time on. The last two nights, I've come home, and completely forgot about my cell phone being in my purse. I wasn't sitting and checking it every 15 minutes to see if anyone called, because I was preoccupied with something more important. It's funny how soon you fall in love with an animal. I've only had her a couple days so far, and already I know I would do anything I had to for her.
On a side note, I read an adorable poem today that a friend of mine wrote, and it got me thinking... about all the poems, and lyrics out there. Millions of words about love, about despair, about hope, about lonliness... about a boy... about a girl. I wonder what it must be like to be the person all these amazing words were written about. Think about the most epic love song you know. Now imagine being the person that song was written about. It's very romantic, really.
Also - if any of you (that is, if anyone actually reads this thing) are a complete hopeless romantic like I am, please do yourself a favor and read Love in the Time of Cholera. I haven't seen the movie so I don't know how it compares, but the book is one of my favorites. It gives even the most hopeless of romantics some hope.
On that note, I have a chubby snoring machine to go cuddle with. goodnight.
Let me tell you, that my new dog is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. Her name is Lucy and she is incredible. I have someone who needs me, and depends on me. She likes when I'm around. It gives me something to love and focus my time on. The last two nights, I've come home, and completely forgot about my cell phone being in my purse. I wasn't sitting and checking it every 15 minutes to see if anyone called, because I was preoccupied with something more important. It's funny how soon you fall in love with an animal. I've only had her a couple days so far, and already I know I would do anything I had to for her.
On a side note, I read an adorable poem today that a friend of mine wrote, and it got me thinking... about all the poems, and lyrics out there. Millions of words about love, about despair, about hope, about lonliness... about a boy... about a girl. I wonder what it must be like to be the person all these amazing words were written about. Think about the most epic love song you know. Now imagine being the person that song was written about. It's very romantic, really.
Also - if any of you (that is, if anyone actually reads this thing) are a complete hopeless romantic like I am, please do yourself a favor and read Love in the Time of Cholera. I haven't seen the movie so I don't know how it compares, but the book is one of my favorites. It gives even the most hopeless of romantics some hope.
On that note, I have a chubby snoring machine to go cuddle with. goodnight.
Friday, April 11, 2008
just a note
if you have an iPhone, don't use it to try and pick up girls. You just look like an asshole.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
a night to myself
The past 4 days.
Wake up. shower. drive. work. work. work. passes. guest list. coffee. work. work. work. set times. sound checks. feedback. blown EQ racks. salad. work. work. work. water. dinner. beer. show. wait. wait. wait. settlement. clean. drive. sleep. wake up. shower. drive. work. work. work.
I have forgotten what it is like to be busy. I miss it. I miss the hustle and bustle that is my job on a good day. The same drill on a day to day basis. Mostly pretending like I know what I'm talking about. It's what I have done for the past three and a half years, and I just now am realizing that maybe, just maybe, I actually know what the hell I'm doing. Sometimes at work I feel so small. I am the girl who is usually referred to as "sweetie" or "excuse me". I am the girl who is there before you, meticulously setting up the dressing room. All the beers in the fridge have the labels facing forward. Everything is strategically placed and easy to find. Even the most genius of musicians are not very smart.
"Excuse me?"
It is phrased like a question. I acknowledge.
"What is the code to the door?"
I am the girl with the answers.
4-5-6-7-8-9. He looks up as if he's searching his brain for a meaning to these numbers. Some theme. Or maybe he's just trying to remember. I watch his struggle. And this has all happened in the span of about 3 seconds. "Wait... 4-5-6...." he trails off.
"7-8-9. They're all in order."
and he will fail at entering the code the first, sometimes even the second time, laugh at himself, and eventually enter the code correctly. This happens on an almost daily basis.
I am the girl who brings your dinner, exactly as you ordered it, in a box, with your name written neatly on the top. It will be set out in the open where you can easily find it. It will be set in close proximity to the silverware. You will eat it and leave the box on the counter in close proximity to the trash can, but never in it.
I am the girl who brings you a stage towel. I am the girl who cleans them off the stage once you're done. I am the reason for your after show food. I will be there once you are off at the bar, or in the comfort of your bus, or hotel. I am the girl who throws away your dinner remnants. I am the girl who pours out the half full beers. I am the girl who cleans the entire dressing room just so that it can be destroyed again the next day.
I am unappreciated and underpaid. So why do I stay? Because deep down, somewhere inside me, I find some enjoyment in being a part of it all. I am a small part of the show 1200 people paid to see tonight. I have put 3 and a half years of literal blood, sweat, and tears into my venue. My venue. I was there when she was born. I was part of it. I made it happen. I have a family inside her walls. I am accepted, and liked. I am comfortable. I am home.
So now, it's tonight, on my night off, that I sit and think about work. I think about the things I have done in the past 3 and a half years. I joked around with Jim Belushi. I quoted Anchorman with the singer from Alice in Chains. I have drank until the sun came up with Flogging Molly. I had my picture taken with Mike Ness. I have made friends that will stay my friends until I die. I met my boyfriend. I lost the boyfriend. This job, this industry brings people together, and it tears them apart. So why do I stay?
Because this is where I belong. Because deep down, somewhere inside me, I find some enjoyment in being a part of it all.
Right now, however, I am 12 hours and 30 miles from being at work again, and I am going to listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie single. I am going to close my eyes, and I am going to let it take over. I have waited for the right time to listen to it for the first time, and that time is tonight. My head is clear. I am not sad, or angry, or annoyed, or eager, or anxious, or happy. I am just Jessica. Blank. A sponge. I can't remember anything that I've typed tonight. When I go back and re-read this, it will be new, and fresh. I am wide eyed and open minded. I feel refreshed and tired at the same time.
I would like to take a minute to thank Zach for directly, and Benji for indirectly telling me to listen to this new single. I will press play, and I will press "Publish Post", and I will write again soon.
Wake up. shower. drive. work. work. work. passes. guest list. coffee. work. work. work. set times. sound checks. feedback. blown EQ racks. salad. work. work. work. water. dinner. beer. show. wait. wait. wait. settlement. clean. drive. sleep. wake up. shower. drive. work. work. work.
I have forgotten what it is like to be busy. I miss it. I miss the hustle and bustle that is my job on a good day. The same drill on a day to day basis. Mostly pretending like I know what I'm talking about. It's what I have done for the past three and a half years, and I just now am realizing that maybe, just maybe, I actually know what the hell I'm doing. Sometimes at work I feel so small. I am the girl who is usually referred to as "sweetie" or "excuse me". I am the girl who is there before you, meticulously setting up the dressing room. All the beers in the fridge have the labels facing forward. Everything is strategically placed and easy to find. Even the most genius of musicians are not very smart.
"Excuse me?"
It is phrased like a question. I acknowledge.
"What is the code to the door?"
I am the girl with the answers.
4-5-6-7-8-9. He looks up as if he's searching his brain for a meaning to these numbers. Some theme. Or maybe he's just trying to remember. I watch his struggle. And this has all happened in the span of about 3 seconds. "Wait... 4-5-6...." he trails off.
"7-8-9. They're all in order."
and he will fail at entering the code the first, sometimes even the second time, laugh at himself, and eventually enter the code correctly. This happens on an almost daily basis.
I am the girl who brings your dinner, exactly as you ordered it, in a box, with your name written neatly on the top. It will be set out in the open where you can easily find it. It will be set in close proximity to the silverware. You will eat it and leave the box on the counter in close proximity to the trash can, but never in it.
I am the girl who brings you a stage towel. I am the girl who cleans them off the stage once you're done. I am the reason for your after show food. I will be there once you are off at the bar, or in the comfort of your bus, or hotel. I am the girl who throws away your dinner remnants. I am the girl who pours out the half full beers. I am the girl who cleans the entire dressing room just so that it can be destroyed again the next day.
I am unappreciated and underpaid. So why do I stay? Because deep down, somewhere inside me, I find some enjoyment in being a part of it all. I am a small part of the show 1200 people paid to see tonight. I have put 3 and a half years of literal blood, sweat, and tears into my venue. My venue. I was there when she was born. I was part of it. I made it happen. I have a family inside her walls. I am accepted, and liked. I am comfortable. I am home.
So now, it's tonight, on my night off, that I sit and think about work. I think about the things I have done in the past 3 and a half years. I joked around with Jim Belushi. I quoted Anchorman with the singer from Alice in Chains. I have drank until the sun came up with Flogging Molly. I had my picture taken with Mike Ness. I have made friends that will stay my friends until I die. I met my boyfriend. I lost the boyfriend. This job, this industry brings people together, and it tears them apart. So why do I stay?
Because this is where I belong. Because deep down, somewhere inside me, I find some enjoyment in being a part of it all.
Right now, however, I am 12 hours and 30 miles from being at work again, and I am going to listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie single. I am going to close my eyes, and I am going to let it take over. I have waited for the right time to listen to it for the first time, and that time is tonight. My head is clear. I am not sad, or angry, or annoyed, or eager, or anxious, or happy. I am just Jessica. Blank. A sponge. I can't remember anything that I've typed tonight. When I go back and re-read this, it will be new, and fresh. I am wide eyed and open minded. I feel refreshed and tired at the same time.
I would like to take a minute to thank Zach for directly, and Benji for indirectly telling me to listen to this new single. I will press play, and I will press "Publish Post", and I will write again soon.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
When the big hand strikes 12, I disappear
Today work was long. and I ran around. a lot.
I really can't complain though, because with my new puppy arriving in a week, I should be working now as much as possible. Ya know, so I have money to feed her.
I talked to my friend John today for a whole, oh I'd say 4 minutes or so. I have a few friends that live in other states whom I lose touch with every so often, but luckily, months can go by and we just pick right back up where we left off. John is not the friend that I ever "lose touch with". What happens is that John gets a girlfriend and then isn't "allowed" to talk to me, which I think is absolutely ludicrous. First of all, because I can't see any reason why any girl anywhere should tell her boyfriend who he can and cannot be friends with, UNLESS he is a total skeeze, and untrustworthy... in which case, why would you be dating him in the first place? Second of all, I'm honestly a little hurt that our friendship has to suffer. If I ever dated a guy who got all pissy when I talked to John on the phone, I would kick him right to the curb. My friends were here before you were, and they'll be here after you're gone. The fact that he is a guy and I am a girl doesn't mean we're going to sleep together. So LIGHTEN UP SHANNON! I WANT MY FRIEND BACK!
In all honesty, I would like to think "well if John is dating her, she HAS to be pretty awesome" but unfortunately, John has terrible taste in women and always picks the ones that treat him like shit.
ANYHOW
Today's warm weather put me in a good mood. Nichole and I went to look at an apartment before I went to work today. It wasn't perfect, but I think it might work. I think, at this point, we just want to find a place that is nice enough to live in for a year. It's really hard for me, because my previous apartments have all been so nice, that now I feel like I'm downgrading. I HATE looking for apartments, but I also don't want to settle, but I think, what if this is the best apartment we come across? What if we don't find anything better? Normally I wouldn't be in such a hurry to move out, but I'm picking up Lucy in a week, and my mom's house is not big. We already have a chocolate lab, and my cat (who stays in my room 90% of the time). In addition, my mom is getting a new puppy SOON. That's a lot of animals in a house that barely has enough room for the 4 people who live in it.
It's all just added stress that I don't want right now. My life honestly isn't all that stressful. I think I just make it that way.
Since I haven't written in a few days, I'll give a quick update of my weekend.
Friday I had dinner with Lo at Brandon's. He cooked for us and it was delicious. After dinner and drinks, we went to the Foundation Room at HOB to see Brooke DJ, and had some more drinks. and shots. Then Lo, Elise, Brandon and I met Nichole up at the Spitfire, and I had more drinks. and shots.
Saturday I did a lot of throwing up. I don't think my body was too happy with the way I treated it the night before. I barely made it to work, and I definitely threw up in the bathroom at HOB, but luckily after that I started to feel better and I managed to keep some Gatorade down. I got out of work late, and went home and passed out, exhausted.
Today I woke up, showered, looked at the apartment, and went to work. Collective Soul. I had been dreading working the show, but when I got to work I discovered my friend Dave from HOB in Anaheim (and also my friend John's "roommate... which leads to why I was cranky about John.. we talked about him a lot today) was working for the band. A pleasant surprise, and it's always nice to see a familiar face. It makes an otherwise mediocre day just a little better.
And that brings me to the present. I am tired, and I know I should be in bed already, but I keep telling myself I have plenty of time to sleep in tomorrow because I don't have to be at work until 4. Not to mention, at this hour, my brain for some reason refuses to turn off, so even if i did go to bed, I'd probably just lay there for an hour anyhow. I miss having someone to sleep next to. Falling asleep is just much easier when you have someone to cuddle with. It's been a long time since I got to cuddle. Hopefully my dog can suffice... at least for a while.
On that note, I'm going to go pet my cat, and listen to some Cat Power and try to fall asleep. Hopefully I have some good dreams tonight.
xoxo
I really can't complain though, because with my new puppy arriving in a week, I should be working now as much as possible. Ya know, so I have money to feed her.
I talked to my friend John today for a whole, oh I'd say 4 minutes or so. I have a few friends that live in other states whom I lose touch with every so often, but luckily, months can go by and we just pick right back up where we left off. John is not the friend that I ever "lose touch with". What happens is that John gets a girlfriend and then isn't "allowed" to talk to me, which I think is absolutely ludicrous. First of all, because I can't see any reason why any girl anywhere should tell her boyfriend who he can and cannot be friends with, UNLESS he is a total skeeze, and untrustworthy... in which case, why would you be dating him in the first place? Second of all, I'm honestly a little hurt that our friendship has to suffer. If I ever dated a guy who got all pissy when I talked to John on the phone, I would kick him right to the curb. My friends were here before you were, and they'll be here after you're gone. The fact that he is a guy and I am a girl doesn't mean we're going to sleep together. So LIGHTEN UP SHANNON! I WANT MY FRIEND BACK!
In all honesty, I would like to think "well if John is dating her, she HAS to be pretty awesome" but unfortunately, John has terrible taste in women and always picks the ones that treat him like shit.
ANYHOW
Today's warm weather put me in a good mood. Nichole and I went to look at an apartment before I went to work today. It wasn't perfect, but I think it might work. I think, at this point, we just want to find a place that is nice enough to live in for a year. It's really hard for me, because my previous apartments have all been so nice, that now I feel like I'm downgrading. I HATE looking for apartments, but I also don't want to settle, but I think, what if this is the best apartment we come across? What if we don't find anything better? Normally I wouldn't be in such a hurry to move out, but I'm picking up Lucy in a week, and my mom's house is not big. We already have a chocolate lab, and my cat (who stays in my room 90% of the time). In addition, my mom is getting a new puppy SOON. That's a lot of animals in a house that barely has enough room for the 4 people who live in it.
It's all just added stress that I don't want right now. My life honestly isn't all that stressful. I think I just make it that way.
Since I haven't written in a few days, I'll give a quick update of my weekend.
Friday I had dinner with Lo at Brandon's. He cooked for us and it was delicious. After dinner and drinks, we went to the Foundation Room at HOB to see Brooke DJ, and had some more drinks. and shots. Then Lo, Elise, Brandon and I met Nichole up at the Spitfire, and I had more drinks. and shots.
Saturday I did a lot of throwing up. I don't think my body was too happy with the way I treated it the night before. I barely made it to work, and I definitely threw up in the bathroom at HOB, but luckily after that I started to feel better and I managed to keep some Gatorade down. I got out of work late, and went home and passed out, exhausted.
Today I woke up, showered, looked at the apartment, and went to work. Collective Soul. I had been dreading working the show, but when I got to work I discovered my friend Dave from HOB in Anaheim (and also my friend John's "roommate... which leads to why I was cranky about John.. we talked about him a lot today) was working for the band. A pleasant surprise, and it's always nice to see a familiar face. It makes an otherwise mediocre day just a little better.
And that brings me to the present. I am tired, and I know I should be in bed already, but I keep telling myself I have plenty of time to sleep in tomorrow because I don't have to be at work until 4. Not to mention, at this hour, my brain for some reason refuses to turn off, so even if i did go to bed, I'd probably just lay there for an hour anyhow. I miss having someone to sleep next to. Falling asleep is just much easier when you have someone to cuddle with. It's been a long time since I got to cuddle. Hopefully my dog can suffice... at least for a while.
On that note, I'm going to go pet my cat, and listen to some Cat Power and try to fall asleep. Hopefully I have some good dreams tonight.
xoxo
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
I know the world's a broken bone
Sometimes I have these thoughts swimming around inside my head. They are thoughts that have been there; stirring- festering. I've had a live journal since I was fresh out of high school, and now I have this new blog, specifically to empty my head at the end of the day, but I find I'm exercising a great deal of self restraint when it comes to openly writing about my feelings. I've never been one to care about what people think of me, so why am I so cautious about this blog? I suppose it's probably normal to have feelings that I don't want to share with everyone, so maybe I'll have to dust off the old journal to really let it all out.
Wait, I'm contradicting myself.
Didn't I say that I was starting this blog for ME? So I could get everything off my chest? A place to come to relieve some stress...
I'm over analyzing. Who cares? But it's at these early hours of the morning when my brain is best at over analyzing. It's my tragic flaw. I read way too much into everything. So for now, I will try to ignore the fact that someone else might read this and truly vent about the things I think about at 2:41 in the morning.
Today I had an interesting discussion with a friend about religion, and it left me curious as to where I REALLY stand and what I agree and disagree with. I sometimes like rethinking topics I had previously taken a stand on. I'm finding my mid-twenties are a time of rediscovery, and I feel as though I am only now learning who I truly am.
Tonight I gave relationship advice to someone who I found it hard to give relationship advice to. I, however, put myself aside, and gave all the advice I could give. The recipient of the advice was a friend who is very near and dear to me, and upon whom I wish all the happiness in the world. I tried to put myself in my friends shoes, and also in the other person's shoes to come to the best conclusion. I felt good about it in the end, and I can only hope I was some help. I should probably specify that the advice was only difficult to give because my first reaction was obviously in favor of my friend's happiness. I've also found myself in a somewhat similar situation before, so that was helpful. I've always thought that honesty is the best policy, but when you know the truth is going to hurt someone, it's so much harder to say. I think everything comes out better in the end when people can try to put feelings on hold to hear honesty.
While I'm on the subject of honesty, I can't help but wonder what it is about the truth that makes it equally as hard to hear as it is to tell. I can't say this is always the case, but it seems to apply more often than not. When you want the truth, no one wants to be the one to tell you. And in the same aspect, when you don't want to know the truth, it seems to be in your face in black and white. When does our brain make the decision to accept or ignore the truth? People can stare truth in the face and still deny it. It's baffling to me.
Equally as frustrating is when you find out the truth, and you don't want to accept it, but you know you have to.... and you can't change it.
I found out a couple days ago that an ex boyfriend of mine that I am still close to is moving to Virginia. I know some people say it's hard to be friends with an ex, but I disagree. If two people can be adults about the situation and realize you can love a person while still understanding the two of you together just isn't going to work, then voila! A friendship is born.
So said ex/friend is moving to Virginia. Then I found out tonight that he's moving tomorrow. When I first read the text he sent me, I was a mix of emotions. Shock, first, but then shock gave way to sadness, and then anger. Sad, knowing I couldn't say a proper goodbye, and anger when I thought about how he was going to leave without telling me, had i not asked him when he was planning on leaving. I wanted to yell at him- tell him he was selfish, but I know he has his reasons for keeping this decision to himself for right now, and I have to respect that. I know I'll see him again, most likely in a few short months. I think the shock of it all was what hit me.
what a day, what a day....
<3
Wait, I'm contradicting myself.
Didn't I say that I was starting this blog for ME? So I could get everything off my chest? A place to come to relieve some stress...
I'm over analyzing. Who cares? But it's at these early hours of the morning when my brain is best at over analyzing. It's my tragic flaw. I read way too much into everything. So for now, I will try to ignore the fact that someone else might read this and truly vent about the things I think about at 2:41 in the morning.
Today I had an interesting discussion with a friend about religion, and it left me curious as to where I REALLY stand and what I agree and disagree with. I sometimes like rethinking topics I had previously taken a stand on. I'm finding my mid-twenties are a time of rediscovery, and I feel as though I am only now learning who I truly am.
Tonight I gave relationship advice to someone who I found it hard to give relationship advice to. I, however, put myself aside, and gave all the advice I could give. The recipient of the advice was a friend who is very near and dear to me, and upon whom I wish all the happiness in the world. I tried to put myself in my friends shoes, and also in the other person's shoes to come to the best conclusion. I felt good about it in the end, and I can only hope I was some help. I should probably specify that the advice was only difficult to give because my first reaction was obviously in favor of my friend's happiness. I've also found myself in a somewhat similar situation before, so that was helpful. I've always thought that honesty is the best policy, but when you know the truth is going to hurt someone, it's so much harder to say. I think everything comes out better in the end when people can try to put feelings on hold to hear honesty.
While I'm on the subject of honesty, I can't help but wonder what it is about the truth that makes it equally as hard to hear as it is to tell. I can't say this is always the case, but it seems to apply more often than not. When you want the truth, no one wants to be the one to tell you. And in the same aspect, when you don't want to know the truth, it seems to be in your face in black and white. When does our brain make the decision to accept or ignore the truth? People can stare truth in the face and still deny it. It's baffling to me.
Equally as frustrating is when you find out the truth, and you don't want to accept it, but you know you have to.... and you can't change it.
I found out a couple days ago that an ex boyfriend of mine that I am still close to is moving to Virginia. I know some people say it's hard to be friends with an ex, but I disagree. If two people can be adults about the situation and realize you can love a person while still understanding the two of you together just isn't going to work, then voila! A friendship is born.
So said ex/friend is moving to Virginia. Then I found out tonight that he's moving tomorrow. When I first read the text he sent me, I was a mix of emotions. Shock, first, but then shock gave way to sadness, and then anger. Sad, knowing I couldn't say a proper goodbye, and anger when I thought about how he was going to leave without telling me, had i not asked him when he was planning on leaving. I wanted to yell at him- tell him he was selfish, but I know he has his reasons for keeping this decision to himself for right now, and I have to respect that. I know I'll see him again, most likely in a few short months. I think the shock of it all was what hit me.
what a day, what a day....
<3
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