Sunday, September 7, 2008

I had a good weekend

You know it was a good weekend when on the drive home you feel just a little bit sad that it's over. It was definately the best weekend I've had in a while. I got to see some old friends and spend time with some unexpected ones, which was nice. I think it will be my last trip to one of my favorite cities ever for quite a while, but at least it ended on a high note, right?

This is one of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs ever, and it's pretty perfecy for the situation I'm in right now.

As good as my weekend was, it's nice to be home and play some tug of war with my dog.

I think I'm going to put on some jammies, smoke, and watch a movie.


p.s. Steelers won today! It is WAY different walking down the streets of pittsburgh in a steelers jersey, and then coming home and taking your dog for a walk down the streets of cleveland in the same jersey. I always feel like someone is going to try and run me over. Good news though is that I made it home in one piece!

Monday, August 18, 2008

i wish they all could be

Everything is starting to come together.

I have never been so excited about something and so afraid of it at the same time. I know that this is what I need. I don't see it as running away, I see it as starting over fresh where no one knows who I am or anything about me. Where all they need to know is that I am a good person and a hard worker and when I put my mind to something, I can do it. I'm scared to leave everything behind, but I also know the amount of bullshit and drama that I will be cutting out of my life. I know people say that you will have the same drama wherever you go, but I think that all depends on the type of person.

All I know is that I can't wait.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Hate is a strong word..

So I'm not going to use it, even though the amount of emotion running through my body right now makes me want to use "hate" (along with a slew of other 4-letter words), but I won't.

I will, however, tell you the things I dislike.

I dislike when people complain about things they could easily fix themselves. Life isn't going to hand you anything, you have to work for it. God helps those who help themselves.

I dislike when people say mean things to you to make themselves feel better. It's not my fault you have low self-esteem. Please don't take it out on me.

I am tired of worrying about pleasing everyone else, so from now on, I'm only going to worry about me. To hell with everyone else.

I'm too angry to even think straight, so that is all for now.

Monday, June 2, 2008

you'd better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone

...the only problem is that I don't feel much like swimming.

right now is one of those times where I realize that I am not happy. No, that's not how I meant it to sound. I'm not content. Not satisfied with the way my life is right now. I'm just not sure what I can do to change it.


My dog chews everything.

She poops on the floor while my roommate and I are at work.

Today she chewed birth control pills.

I was really worried, because I'm at work, and I'm about to find out if I'm getting a promotion or not, and I was afraid I would have to leave and jeopardize that, but I love my dog so much, it would have been my only choice. Luckily the vet said she should be fine. And Nichole is home.

But she still poops on the floor when we're gone.

And she still chews up everything.

And I know that it's because I am not home as much as I should be to give her the attention she needs, and the thought of that makes me want to cry, because I don't ever want her to be lonely. I think it's the same way a child acts out and misbehaves in order to get attention from neglecting parents.

Am I being a neglectful parent?

All I know is that right now I just want to go home and rub her little tummy.

I've been at work since 8am today. It's now 8:49 pm. The show is over at 10:35. I hope to be home by midnight, but I doubt if that will actually happen.

Today my friend called me and asked if I'd seen the new Weezer video, and I hadn't, so I of course youtubed it immediately. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you go check it out. It made me laugh a lot. Also, being on the phone with my friend made me laugh a lot. I don't get to hear his voice as much as I would like. I'm also pretty terrible at keeping in touch with people, so it's mostly my fault I'm sure. That's the case with a few of my friends, and It makes me feel like a bad friend.

Am I a bad friend AND a neglectful mother?

I know I'm neither of those things. At least I hope so... Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I have sinned

Ok, well maybe my lack of blog updates isn't one of the seven deadly sins, but I definitely have not been writing like I should have.

When i find something new that I'm interested in, I always dive in head first without thinking. It's how I have always been. Just no holds barred, balls to the wall, jump right in. The aftermath involves me over analyzing every decision, every move I've made, every thought I've had. and I hate it. For once I want to not worry about the outcome... and now I'm digressing. Back to diving in head first-

I absorb myself so much into this new thing, that I drastically reduce the time I have for other interests. I am terrible at calling people back. I almost forgot my mother's birthday. I don't see my friends like I should. I really need to work on getting better at balancing my time.

a side note- we finally got Internet at the house, but I am still sans computer, so unless I update via my sidekick, these posts will probably be few and far between.

second side note- I find it hilarious that when I post in this blog, I write as though I assume people will read it. Or maybe I'm just writing to myself. Like writing a letter and mailing it to myself to read at a later date.

I really love my new apartment. I saw Adam last night for the first time in 6 months. I showed him the house. He didn't say much, but I can assume his lack of excitement wasn't because of the apartment itself, but just the awkwardness between us. I'll talk more about him later...

I love having a house. I love having a driveway, and a front porch. I love that I have to take out the garbage and mow the lawn. I want to plant a garden. I figure, seeds can't be too expensive, and our water is free, so the only REAL cost is just the labor involved. The thought of only having to go outside to pick a green pepper excites me. I don't know anything about plants, and I don't know if it's even the right time of year to plant them, but I guess I can figure that out by trial and error.

I would write more, but I'm at work, and the show ended, and now I get to go pick up the stage towels - one of my favorite parts of the night, second only to picking up the shower towels at the end of the night.

I'll write more soon.


Monday, April 21, 2008

Breathe in. Exhale.

If ever you're stressed out, put on "Dry the Rain", by the Beta Band.

Just now, as I was about to pull out my hair, I put this song on. (anyone who's ever seen High Fidelity, you might remember when John Cusack puts this song on, the effect it has on the patrons of the record store)

Anyhow, for this 6 minutes and 5 seconds, I will take a deep breath, relax, and write about what I wanted to write about instead of venting about nonsensical bullshit that has no relevance to you, or me, or even life in general. I need to relax. I need this to be my mantra for the summer. I don't want to end up like my mom, stressed out all the time. I want to be calm, happy, and worry-free.

*deep breath*

I am moving into my new apartment on wednesday. I've had a lot of offers for help, which is awesome. I am only one small person, and I can only carry so much. Plus I don't think my bed will fit in my little 4 door Saturn. I'm moving in with Nichole, and I think it will go well. I have had a problem with my past few roomates, and I can't help but start to think maybe the problem is me. Maybe I'm too picky, but I don't know, so I won't dwell on it.

I got a new job at this bar/restaurant in Tremont, called Southside. I got the job last night. I start today. Wish me luck.

"If there's something inside that you want to say, say it out loud, it will be ok..."

man, this song is good. And it's also over.

it's funny, when I write I can only listen to certain music. It has to be music that my brain processes and likes, but doesn't focus on. Otherwise I lose my train of thought. I'm not very good at multitasking.

There are other things I want to write about, but I think if i write about it too soon, I'll jinx myself, so I'll save it for another day. Besides, I have a dog that needs to go for a walk, laundry that needs done, a bank that needs visited, dog food that needs to be purchased, packing, and then work.