a night to myself

The past 4 days.

Wake up. shower. drive. work. work. work. passes. guest list. coffee. work. work. work. set times. sound checks. feedback. blown EQ racks. salad. work. work. work. water. dinner. beer. show. wait. wait. wait. settlement. clean. drive. sleep. wake up. shower. drive. work. work. work.

I have forgotten what it is like to be busy. I miss it. I miss the hustle and bustle that is my job on a good day. The same drill on a day to day basis. Mostly pretending like I know what I'm talking about. It's what I have done for the past three and a half years, and I just now am realizing that maybe, just maybe, I actually know what the hell I'm doing. Sometimes at work I feel so small. I am the girl who is usually referred to as "sweetie" or "excuse me". I am the girl who is there before you, meticulously setting up the dressing room. All the beers in the fridge have the labels facing forward. Everything is strategically placed and easy to find. Even the most genius of musicians are not very smart.

"Excuse me?"

It is phrased like a question. I acknowledge.

"What is the code to the door?"

I am the girl with the answers.
4-5-6-7-8-9. He looks up as if he's searching his brain for a meaning to these numbers. Some theme. Or maybe he's just trying to remember. I watch his struggle. And this has all happened in the span of about 3 seconds. "Wait... 4-5-6...." he trails off.

"7-8-9. They're all in order."

and he will fail at entering the code the first, sometimes even the second time, laugh at himself, and eventually enter the code correctly. This happens on an almost daily basis.

I am the girl who brings your dinner, exactly as you ordered it, in a box, with your name written neatly on the top. It will be set out in the open where you can easily find it. It will be set in close proximity to the silverware. You will eat it and leave the box on the counter in close proximity to the trash can, but never in it.

I am the girl who brings you a stage towel. I am the girl who cleans them off the stage once you're done. I am the reason for your after show food. I will be there once you are off at the bar, or in the comfort of your bus, or hotel. I am the girl who throws away your dinner remnants. I am the girl who pours out the half full beers. I am the girl who cleans the entire dressing room just so that it can be destroyed again the next day.

I am unappreciated and underpaid. So why do I stay? Because deep down, somewhere inside me, I find some enjoyment in being a part of it all. I am a small part of the show 1200 people paid to see tonight. I have put 3 and a half years of literal blood, sweat, and tears into my venue. My venue. I was there when she was born. I was part of it. I made it happen. I have a family inside her walls. I am accepted, and liked. I am comfortable. I am home.



So now, it's tonight, on my night off, that I sit and think about work. I think about the things I have done in the past 3 and a half years. I joked around with Jim Belushi. I quoted Anchorman with the singer from Alice in Chains. I have drank until the sun came up with Flogging Molly. I had my picture taken with Mike Ness. I have made friends that will stay my friends until I die. I met my boyfriend. I lost the boyfriend. This job, this industry brings people together, and it tears them apart. So why do I stay?

Because this is where I belong. Because deep down, somewhere inside me, I find some enjoyment in being a part of it all.


Right now, however, I am 12 hours and 30 miles from being at work again, and I am going to listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie single. I am going to close my eyes, and I am going to let it take over. I have waited for the right time to listen to it for the first time, and that time is tonight. My head is clear. I am not sad, or angry, or annoyed, or eager, or anxious, or happy. I am just Jessica. Blank. A sponge. I can't remember anything that I've typed tonight. When I go back and re-read this, it will be new, and fresh. I am wide eyed and open minded. I feel refreshed and tired at the same time.


I would like to take a minute to thank Zach for directly, and Benji for indirectly telling me to listen to this new single. I will press play, and I will press "Publish Post", and I will write again soon.